Kaijo Phanex

Introspective posts based on a character's experience of almost getting transformed into a heartless. 1-5 exp based on posts.
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Kaijo Phanex

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Post by Tony »

Why? Why now? There's so much to do. So many things to catch up on -- so much to remedy, so many wrongs to right. Maybe I earned this ... deserved this. Maybe this is what is meant for me, truly... this cold, this emptiness, this ... nothingness. No Lifestream, no Promised Land, no beautiful afterlife... not even a terrible place for me to spend eternity making up for my wrongs. I think I'd prefer that to this ... this void. It's so powerful, it's going to swallow me up entirely... I can feel it, I can fight it, but it doesn't even really matter anyway. It's too strong for me... it's what's right, most likely.

What could I have done to deserve this, though?

Oh right... so many things. I remember the first time I killed someone... I told myself, "Murder is a tough thing to digest, and I've got nothing but time." I guess I digested it too easy... because after the first time it became so much easier. Is that where I went wrong? Should I have been more merciful? Show someone the compassion the kind that I wish I could have right now? Maybe... or it could have been when I turned a blind eye to the wrongs that Shinra was doing to the Planet. It was getting me paid, after all, and was putting my brother through school and keeping my family afloat. But now this ... Darkness ... it's covering my fingers and my hands like the blood that's stained them for over sixteen years.

What a funny thought ... I've been deserving this void for longer than some of my friends have been alive. Why them? They have so much to do too... I wish I could help them, but I reach out with a hand and all I find is more Darkness. Is that what I did wrong? Was I not there enough for other people? I thought maybe if I could do people right by helping the Dimensional Warriors I might have a chance to make up for all the things I had done. Did I take it too far? My hands are covered in black now... iron fists, maybe? Was I too harsh? Did I squeeze too hard?

When I talked to Lee, I called myself a man of honor... is this what men of honor receieve? Soldiers who fight when told who, where, and when... is that what a man of honor is? What does that even mean? Does it matter to this Darkness? No ... it doesn't. Nothing I can do anymore will stop this... Lee was right. He was right all along-- I should have just taken the money and left. Maybe I could haev avoided this-- or maybe it would come after me all the faster. It doesn't matter now... even after giving up in that prison, I couldn't just sell out. Looking back... they seemed happy to see me. Were they really? Did I deserve that? The warmth of friendship... just to be around them again made the months of near-solitary worth it.

How did I get there in the first place? Oh yes... being a man of honor, a failed soldier. I wasn't good enough. I knew the risks, I knew what I was getting into. What could I have done to avoid this? Anything? No... I don't think so. It's at my stomach now... just like that wrenching, painful feeling of having the days go by and not find a way to get out, then being reminded that no one would come for me, despite me even helping rescue other people. Maybe I was right... maybe I did tighten my hand too much. How heartbreaking... I remember that feeling. It was cold ... like this. Much like this feeling... I felt empty inside, hollow, like what I had gone through was all for nothing because I failed and they didn't miss me anyway.

I can feel it closer now ... the cold grip of the Void. Maybe if I just give myself over to it it will be over faster... fighting isn't doing any good, anyway.

What's this? Warmth? Why? From where? I can feel it around me... it feels just like that feeling when I saw them again. The cold has been replaced by the warm... Is this the last shred of hope I have left? No ... this is better than hope. It's assurance... encouragement... maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's not over for me yet... maybe if I put more effort into it I can redeem myself... I can really be a man of honor.

This embrace... who and why? What did I do? What can I do to have more of this... this is so much better than the cold emptiness of the Void, of loneliness and self-doubt. Someone believes in me... my friends believe in me. They never stopped wondering about me... circumstances interrupted, I'm sure. Someone cared... I know they did. That's more than enough to hold onto ...

Someone's holding onto me... someone wants me to stay. How nice... I could get used to this. That's what's important... not sinking into the Void. How could I have just given up? Despair sets in after so long, of course... but I can't just give up yet.

There's so much to do.
Tony
Aide-de-Camp
Posts: 831
Joined: October 10th, 2008, 9:41 pm
Location: Lubbock, Texas

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